Soul Capsule

On my bookshelf is a photo box labeled "memories". These are things which I have determined to remember. Below is a narrative of my spiritual life that I wrote in Autumn 2005. Names have been changed except where noted.


When I met God:
I thought it was when I was 7 and asked Jesus into my heart in Sunday School. And I do have a few childhood memories of reading the Bible (Psalms specifically) and making up songs with the words. Or once when I was 8, I felt like God spoke to me through a verse in Proverbs. I was angry with my parents for not letting me get my ears pierced, and the verse shut me up. 8:1 "Children honor your father's commands and obey your mothers teachings." I remember crying at that moment. The connection with God was more important than the ears.


When I became a Christian:
The youth group was doing a popular study on sexual purity called True Love Waits. The emotionally charged evening led me, and several of my friends to pray with a youth sponsor. We all prayed the same thing: to rededicate our lives to Christ. I was 12 at the time. That period of my life was spend in an entirely Christian world. Youth group and Christian school were my only communities. I took an interest in being right. In understanding the lessons, in making connections with the verses. And in singing loud harmonies to praise songs. (I loved getting compliments on my voice.) I was the conscience, rather the preachy, self-righteous, goody-two-shoes of my Christian middle school. I was always proud to tell them what was right, and that they weren't. I'm not proud of it anymore. When high school rolled around I started going to public school. A missionary to bring hope to the lost! Or an alien set loose on the natives. I attended prayer circle in the morning, Bible club on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and the annual stand for Jesus: See You At The Pole. Around that time, my parents decided to quit attending organized church. They went to other Christian meetings where they discussed the community of Christ and rethought commonly accepted teachings. I went with them a few times but did not separate from church. I stayed for social reasons.


When I began a relationship with Christ:
My sophomore year of high school found me listening to Christian rock, due to the influence of my older sister. I had started attending the concerts that a local youth group put on. I often bought t-shirts from touring bands. The day I really began a relationship with Christ, he pointed a few things out to me. One, that if I preferred wearing band t-shirts and jeans, why did I bother with the preppy name brands and khaki shorts? Good question, Jesus. Also, why did I waste 2 hours per day straightening out the perfectly good curls he'd given me? It struck me then, that I was made by God, and for God. That year I taught Bible study during lunch at school with my friend Brittany. Only recently recognizing Jesus as an active figure in my life, I was amazed at real-life analogies. As well as the new revelations he gave me through the Bible, through others, through teachings, and overwhelmingly through music. Leading Bible study with Brittany soon became a cause of distress, as she wasn't ready to blunder into spiritually uncharted areas. At that point I was asking the Lord for a friend who would join me in my search for who he truly was. My prayer was soon answered as Lynn entered my life. She was quirky, liked the same music as me, and was already discovering God on her own. We hit it off immediately. We were very soon best friends. After spending the summer with Lynn garage-sailing, watching the Emperor's New Groove, making plastic bead bracelets, and talking about Jesus, I entered my junior year of high school weird as can be. I loved every moment of that year. Going to Christian concerts, praying at youth group, weirding classmates out with my incessant talk of Jesus and/or llamas. Within a year of that time, Lynn got a boyfriend: an atheistic, train-hopping punk. Because our friendship was Christ-centered, she had a hard time telling me about him and put it off for three months.


When I quit being a Christian:
When she did tell me, I was at an utter loss. I spent two months in depression. I couldn't understand why she didn't tell me about it earlier, and came to the conclusion that I was too religious. And that she feared my scolding. The validity of that conclusion is questionable, but I found no other answer at the time. I was hurt, and Christianity was not there for me. It told me she was unequally yoked, and falling into sin. And that I could not be a part of that. So I ended our friendship. I had quit going to church by this time. And Bible study at school, too. Although I was expected to lead that year, I declined. By that time I had found that Christianity had more to do with a morally standardized community than a life graced with God. I wanted to move on, with God, away from Christianity, away from pain, away from mediocrity. I started going to local shows, and quit going to Christian concerts. My senior year ended, I graduated high school not giving a damn about school, and summer rolled around. Lynn and I happened to be at the same show once, and we talked. It was good. We hadn't really seen each other for months. By that time I had let go of the hurt and filled my best-friend-shaped-hole with the local scene. That summer I moved to Dallas with my cousin and her family. I lived with her while watching her children. My first month there was terribly lonely. Through a chance hyperlink-clicking, I found my way to Deliverance Bible Church. It was exactly what I had been craving. A community of believers who were just as tattooed and black-clad as my favorite bands. The next four months were amazing.


When I met love:
One Sunday evening during service, Pastor Cleetus (yes, really) put forth the challenge to truly seek God, to press into him. He encouraged us to stand, and open our palms to receive something from God. He said he would count to 3 and then we would get it. He made it to 3 and I triumphantly said to myself "see!? counting is hokey and God doesn't do that." I then received the revelation that my pride was an obstacle in seeking God. I accepted the offer to go forward for additional prayer. At the front I waited, eyes closed. Soon a lady held my hands and began to pray for me. In that moment I heard the Lord speak to my heart. He told me that he loved me.


And the narrative stops there, in Autumn 2003. It does not go on to chart spiritual highs the following year in Europe. Nor spiritual lows in the months leading up to the narrative. I've decided not to retroactively extend it. It's like a little spiritual time capsule: me and my faith, ages 7-18. The value of it is this: because of my Christian upbringing, I had no way to interpret life except through a moral lens. What I love about life is that with every day I live, every little thing in nature that I notice, every song that makes me want to dance, and every person I bring into my heart, that lens is chipped away. And the less I wear the goofy morality goggles, the more I can see things for how they truly are.

The Purity Myth

Note: I started writing this about two weeks ago and was struck with some writer's block. More on that at the bottom.

Last night I finished reading The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. Subtitled "How America's Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women" Now if that isn't a provocative narrative, what is? I became familiar with Jessica Valenti's work only recently. She has written several books including Full Frontal Feminism, and started the blog Feministing.com. Many are applauding the fresh face she's providing for feminism in the U.S. Myself included.

Ms. Valenti introduces the book by informing her readers that more than 1,400 federally funded purity balls, in which young girls pledge their virginity til marriage in a promish atmosphere (where dad is the date), were held in 2006. She discusses the media stories that display a sort of feverish panic over young women who are "going wild". She articulates the dilemma that every young woman in the U.S. is familiar with: the virgin/whore dichotomy. And her thesis is that young women's morality should not be dictated by their sexuality.

As one who was heavily influenced by this virginity movement, as Valenti likes to call it, I could not wait to read this book. The first two chapters were very satisfying for me to read. Chapter 1: the cult of virginity, was like the beginning of a new freedom to me. It was very valuable to me to read in ink what I've felt for some time, that there is no real definition of virginity. As author Hanne Blank (who was interviewed for this book) said "People have been talking authoritatively about virginity for thousands of years, yet we don't even have a working medical definition for it!" This means it is subjective. I love that it is subjective!

Chapter 2: tainted love, delves into the messages that young women receive both from abstinence-only education and from the media that their sexuality is dirty. They are the damaging ideas that exploring one's sexuality or having sex with another person makes you dirty, taints you, makes you less of a catch. Do not try to tell me that these messages aren't out there. I challenge you to find a women, any age, who hasn't received this message.

The following chapters discuss how the virginity movement shows up in various aspects of our lives from sexualization of girls, porn, sex ed (or lack thereof), legislation, sexual assault and rape culture, masculinity, morality, and finally a vision for the future. These chapters did not feel as enlightening to me, and here's why: I am an insider of the virginity movement. I was raised in a community that staunchly advocated this as the only legitimate path for my sexuality. Jessica Valenti is an outsider of the virginity movement. And while I really enjoyed reading her book, I fear she may have underestimated the individual costs people are paying. The virginity movement hurts both those who subscribe and those who don't.


.....about my writer's block: because this subject is very personal for me I've had a hard time deciding how public I want to make this discussion. Ultimately I want to encourage as much fruitful dialogue and creativity as possible. I'm aware that this is not a new subject by any means. But I think it's time to give kids some credit. I think it's time to stop lying to children. Whether it be the advertisements that dictate that young men be helpless to a certain body type, or the abstinence promoting curriculum that tells young women that the single greatest gift for their future spouse is virginity. I think it's time to tell children the truth.

I would love to hear thoughts on this subject especially from (but not limited to!) those of a different age group or background than me.

Eve Ensler speaks at TEDIndia

Here's a little video of Eve Ensler (of Vagina Monologues fame) speaking at TEDIndia. If you're not familiar with TED, you should be!

Little disclaimer: I noticed from reading the comments made on this video on the TED site (comments can be found here beneath the video) that a lot of men have a knee jerk reaction of defensiveness because of some of the language Ms. Ensler has chosen. So if you happen to be male I would like to invite you to be assured that she is not saying anything negative about the male sex so that you can immerse yourself in this beautiful idea she's describing. If you find yourself questioning her use of the language please please please read the comments already made by many on TED who have watched the video. They do a more than thorough (in fact quite exhaustive) job of expressing all views.




So! You've watched the video, what do you think? Here's what it brings up for me: I think she's very accurate in pointing out that the verb girls are assigned to is "to please." I can't say how much of my desire to please comes from my own personality and temperament vs. how much has been reinforced in me. I don't often recognize it as trying to please people... I'm more likely to strive to be pleasant to be around. Which is essentially the same thing, right?

In the French culture discussing things like politics and religion are common among even casual acquaintances. Don't they argue? Yes! Very much so. But the attitude is more a "good game" sort of thing. It's like "we've had our sparring and we've earned each others' respect, well done." I really appreciate this sort of atmosphere. It disappoints me that having a passionate, controversial conversation among friends or acquaintances is characterized as hostile in our culture. I don't want to be deliberately unfunny or unpleasant. But I'm afraid that a lot of the things I'm passionate about are simply not fashionable. I feel an urgency to talk about dire circumstances around the world, to advocate for those who are not free here... At the same time I want to be pleasant. I want a million friends. I want warm feelings and smiling faces all around. I heard a piece, also by Eve Ensler, about her similar feelings. It's called Fur Is Back. You can read it on google books here, page 176.

I want to hear other people's reactions to this video. What does it bring up for you? Thoughts, feelings....?

Book Review: Enlightened Sexism

Yesterday I finished reading Enlightened Sexism: The Seductive Message That Feminism's Work Is Done written by Susan J. Douglas. She defines enlightened sexism as insisting that "women have made plenty of progress because of feminism--indeed, full equality has allegedly been achieved--so now it's okay, even amusing, to resurrect sexist stereotypes of girls and women." Here are some of my thoughts on it:

What I liked... about the book is the acknowledgment and naming of "enlightened sexism"-- something that I've often detected but have not known how to label. Enlightened sexism enters my life through scenarios in which all company present is presumed to be above sexism and it's a given that all present are equals. Enter the sexist stereotype, joke, remark, etc. often, but not always, shared by a male acquaintance. Here's the part where I'm supposed to laugh, yet I find it difficult to do so. Maybe if sexism really was over I could laugh. But the facts are that women are still at a disadvantage in nearly every aspect of our society. So thank you Susan Douglas for bringing me a name for that sort of ironic sexism that permeates far too many social interactions.

What I disliked... were the nonstop reviews of popular television shows from the 90's, most of which I was not allowed to view because of sexual content, "attitude", or both. Unfortunately, most of the book read like a bucketful of reviews linked together to form a chain of sarcastic daisies. Let me be clear, each review was informative, insightful and witty. However, I found it very tedious reading them back to back to back....

Highlights include...
-scathing review of 1995's relationship guidebook The Rules, and John Gray's Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus in Chapter 4
-analysis of America's anxiety over Janet Reno (Oh no! Are all women with power going to look like this!?) in Chapter 2
-running the numbers on recent plastic surgery/breast augmentation trends in Chapter 8

I wanted more... voices of women, less voice of the media--I've already heard what they're saying! The content overwhelmingly focused on the messages sent by the media, leaving little room for discussion of how all this TV is affecting real women of all ages.

Now let's get interactive! I encourage you answer one or more of the following:
1. Do you recognize enlightened sexism in your social interactions? Do you instigate it, or respond to it? How so?
2. If you watched television in the 90's, what did I miss? How did it influence your attitude toward authority and/or your sexuality?
3. If you identify as a woman: do you feel that the media influences your expectations of yourself? Of other women?
4. If you identify as a man: do you feel that the media influences your expectations of women?

Share and be kind!
Love from MWF, 24

Introduction: I'm new here!

Hi Followers,

I'm sure there are all sorts of existing statutes in the blogosphere regarding how to do these things...buuuuut, I'm not privy to them! What I will be writing are my own personal thoughts/feelings from my own personal experiences, reflections on thoughts others have had, and, if we're lucky, something entertaining now and then!

As the name of my blog suggests, I will be documenting these things from my hetero-married, white, female perspective. I do not know any other women my age (24) who fit this description here in San Francisco.

Let the fun begin!