The Purity Myth

Note: I started writing this about two weeks ago and was struck with some writer's block. More on that at the bottom.

Last night I finished reading The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. Subtitled "How America's Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women" Now if that isn't a provocative narrative, what is? I became familiar with Jessica Valenti's work only recently. She has written several books including Full Frontal Feminism, and started the blog Feministing.com. Many are applauding the fresh face she's providing for feminism in the U.S. Myself included.

Ms. Valenti introduces the book by informing her readers that more than 1,400 federally funded purity balls, in which young girls pledge their virginity til marriage in a promish atmosphere (where dad is the date), were held in 2006. She discusses the media stories that display a sort of feverish panic over young women who are "going wild". She articulates the dilemma that every young woman in the U.S. is familiar with: the virgin/whore dichotomy. And her thesis is that young women's morality should not be dictated by their sexuality.

As one who was heavily influenced by this virginity movement, as Valenti likes to call it, I could not wait to read this book. The first two chapters were very satisfying for me to read. Chapter 1: the cult of virginity, was like the beginning of a new freedom to me. It was very valuable to me to read in ink what I've felt for some time, that there is no real definition of virginity. As author Hanne Blank (who was interviewed for this book) said "People have been talking authoritatively about virginity for thousands of years, yet we don't even have a working medical definition for it!" This means it is subjective. I love that it is subjective!

Chapter 2: tainted love, delves into the messages that young women receive both from abstinence-only education and from the media that their sexuality is dirty. They are the damaging ideas that exploring one's sexuality or having sex with another person makes you dirty, taints you, makes you less of a catch. Do not try to tell me that these messages aren't out there. I challenge you to find a women, any age, who hasn't received this message.

The following chapters discuss how the virginity movement shows up in various aspects of our lives from sexualization of girls, porn, sex ed (or lack thereof), legislation, sexual assault and rape culture, masculinity, morality, and finally a vision for the future. These chapters did not feel as enlightening to me, and here's why: I am an insider of the virginity movement. I was raised in a community that staunchly advocated this as the only legitimate path for my sexuality. Jessica Valenti is an outsider of the virginity movement. And while I really enjoyed reading her book, I fear she may have underestimated the individual costs people are paying. The virginity movement hurts both those who subscribe and those who don't.


.....about my writer's block: because this subject is very personal for me I've had a hard time deciding how public I want to make this discussion. Ultimately I want to encourage as much fruitful dialogue and creativity as possible. I'm aware that this is not a new subject by any means. But I think it's time to give kids some credit. I think it's time to stop lying to children. Whether it be the advertisements that dictate that young men be helpless to a certain body type, or the abstinence promoting curriculum that tells young women that the single greatest gift for their future spouse is virginity. I think it's time to tell children the truth.

I would love to hear thoughts on this subject especially from (but not limited to!) those of a different age group or background than me.

Eve Ensler speaks at TEDIndia

Here's a little video of Eve Ensler (of Vagina Monologues fame) speaking at TEDIndia. If you're not familiar with TED, you should be!

Little disclaimer: I noticed from reading the comments made on this video on the TED site (comments can be found here beneath the video) that a lot of men have a knee jerk reaction of defensiveness because of some of the language Ms. Ensler has chosen. So if you happen to be male I would like to invite you to be assured that she is not saying anything negative about the male sex so that you can immerse yourself in this beautiful idea she's describing. If you find yourself questioning her use of the language please please please read the comments already made by many on TED who have watched the video. They do a more than thorough (in fact quite exhaustive) job of expressing all views.




So! You've watched the video, what do you think? Here's what it brings up for me: I think she's very accurate in pointing out that the verb girls are assigned to is "to please." I can't say how much of my desire to please comes from my own personality and temperament vs. how much has been reinforced in me. I don't often recognize it as trying to please people... I'm more likely to strive to be pleasant to be around. Which is essentially the same thing, right?

In the French culture discussing things like politics and religion are common among even casual acquaintances. Don't they argue? Yes! Very much so. But the attitude is more a "good game" sort of thing. It's like "we've had our sparring and we've earned each others' respect, well done." I really appreciate this sort of atmosphere. It disappoints me that having a passionate, controversial conversation among friends or acquaintances is characterized as hostile in our culture. I don't want to be deliberately unfunny or unpleasant. But I'm afraid that a lot of the things I'm passionate about are simply not fashionable. I feel an urgency to talk about dire circumstances around the world, to advocate for those who are not free here... At the same time I want to be pleasant. I want a million friends. I want warm feelings and smiling faces all around. I heard a piece, also by Eve Ensler, about her similar feelings. It's called Fur Is Back. You can read it on google books here, page 176.

I want to hear other people's reactions to this video. What does it bring up for you? Thoughts, feelings....?