Note: I started writing this about two weeks ago and was struck with some writer's block. More on that at the bottom.
Last night I finished reading The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. Subtitled "How America's Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women" Now if that isn't a provocative narrative, what is? I became familiar with Jessica Valenti's work only recently. She has written several books including Full Frontal Feminism, and started the blog Feministing.com. Many are applauding the fresh face she's providing for feminism in the U.S. Myself included.
Ms. Valenti introduces the book by informing her readers that more than 1,400 federally funded purity balls, in which young girls pledge their virginity til marriage in a promish atmosphere (where dad is the date), were held in 2006. She discusses the media stories that display a sort of feverish panic over young women who are "going wild". She articulates the dilemma that every young woman in the U.S. is familiar with: the virgin/whore dichotomy. And her thesis is that young women's morality should not be dictated by their sexuality.
As one who was heavily influenced by this virginity movement, as Valenti likes to call it, I could not wait to read this book. The first two chapters were very satisfying for me to read. Chapter 1: the cult of virginity, was like the beginning of a new freedom to me. It was very valuable to me to read in ink what I've felt for some time, that there is no real definition of virginity. As author Hanne Blank (who was interviewed for this book) said "People have been talking authoritatively about virginity for thousands of years, yet we don't even have a working medical definition for it!" This means it is subjective. I love that it is subjective!
Chapter 2: tainted love, delves into the messages that young women receive both from abstinence-only education and from the media that their sexuality is dirty. They are the damaging ideas that exploring one's sexuality or having sex with another person makes you dirty, taints you, makes you less of a catch. Do not try to tell me that these messages aren't out there. I challenge you to find a women, any age, who hasn't received this message.
The following chapters discuss how the virginity movement shows up in various aspects of our lives from sexualization of girls, porn, sex ed (or lack thereof), legislation, sexual assault and rape culture, masculinity, morality, and finally a vision for the future. These chapters did not feel as enlightening to me, and here's why: I am an insider of the virginity movement. I was raised in a community that staunchly advocated this as the only legitimate path for my sexuality. Jessica Valenti is an outsider of the virginity movement. And while I really enjoyed reading her book, I fear she may have underestimated the individual costs people are paying. The virginity movement hurts both those who subscribe and those who don't.
.....about my writer's block: because this subject is very personal for me I've had a hard time deciding how public I want to make this discussion. Ultimately I want to encourage as much fruitful dialogue and creativity as possible. I'm aware that this is not a new subject by any means. But I think it's time to give kids some credit. I think it's time to stop lying to children. Whether it be the advertisements that dictate that young men be helpless to a certain body type, or the abstinence promoting curriculum that tells young women that the single greatest gift for their future spouse is virginity. I think it's time to tell children the truth.
I would love to hear thoughts on this subject especially from (but not limited to!) those of a different age group or background than me.
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I grew up in somewhat the opposite of the virginity culture. My parents were staunch advocates of healthy sexuality pre-marriage, and the message I always felt I received from adults and peers was "don't marry someone until you know whether you have sexual chemistry!" In fact, I remember when I was in high school, the older sister of one of my friends got married (she was 20 at the time) to her boyfriend of a year, and they were both born-again, so the assumption was they hadn't had sex and were getting married so that they could. And they were scoffed at, if not scorned.
ReplyDeleteVirginity, in my community of peers, was fetishized in a negative way. If a guy slept with a virgin, he was congratulated, but SHE was mocked for having been a virgin in the first place. Such a fucked up double standard. Guys are supposed to pop a girl's cherry, but girls are supposed to come with cherries pre-popped? Or something? It was so weird. So she was supposed to both be a virgin, and be sexually experienced.
I'm not sure how much any of this relates to the purity culture that pervades a lot of the Bible Belt. I'm sure it is related. I mean, it's the same virgin/whore dichotomy that's been around for *ages* that's at the roots. It's just interesting how it takes such different shapes culturally.
Anyway, very interesting post...
MWF - you write "I think it's time to tell children the truth." So how do you define the "truth." It is clear you are frustrated but what is unclear is what you think should happen or should change ...
ReplyDeleteHere is my opinion as someone of the generation above and mother of two young boys. I also think this virginity movement is ridiculous for both girls AND boys. While girls get the brunt of the pressure, there is also influencers for boys to wait too.
I have a practical viewpoint. I would like my sons to wait till they are older to marry (say 30 years old.) It would be sad for them if they did not experience sexual intimacy till age 30! Are you kidding? I will teach them to be respectful, honest, responsible and thoughtful when they choose to have sex. It does not have to be an all or nothing paradigm. You can have loving sex without being married. We will discuss consequences and how important it is to make safe decisions.
I was not a virgin when I got married. I loved the sex I had in my youth. I regret nothing. I do wish someone (caregiver) had explained to me in detail how to be safer and helped me acquire the "tools". I was lucky and did not have any horrible consequences but I could have ...
How do I define the truth?
ReplyDeleteI believe the truth is that it is every individual's right and responsibility to make an accurately informed decision about their own sexual activity. The only caveat I would add is that all sexual activity involving another person must be consensual.
As for how to put that plan into action? I believe it is every parent/caregiver's responsibility to provide children in their care with accurate information.
...and yes I realize that it is only a small percentage of parents who are brave enough to talk about a subject that is private at best, or possibly painful for them to recall.
I would also like to see GOOD information in schools. Starting in elementary, rather than high school (toooooo late!). The elementary years are an excellent time to reinforce respect of body boundaries. This means kids respecting their own boundaries as much as it means respecting the boundaries of others. This gives children agency in their own bodies, and accountability for their actions. I believe this creates a good foundation to build sex education upon. When should that start? The moment the child ask the questions.